I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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