Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
