dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
