it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
