mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
