Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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