Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
