Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
