I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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