Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
