Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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