apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
