I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
