i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize