plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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