I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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