He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
