Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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