Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
