Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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