Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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