I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He shit in the fireplace
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
