I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
