Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
