Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
