The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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