woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I accidentally burped into my bong.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
