why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
