Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I could fuck to npr.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
