I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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