shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
