Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
