I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize