puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
