I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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