god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
