Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
