dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
