i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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