Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
