i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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