I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
