last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
