God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
