dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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