I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
