So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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