Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Damn victory sex feels great
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
