yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
