No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
