hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
