My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
