Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
