i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize