Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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