So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize