Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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