Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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