Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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