I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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